Desmond Platt, the last human being not to benefit from the recent breakthroughs in biomedicine that have eliminated aging and death, died Saturday from Hairspringer’s condition, a rare malady that afflicted only Mr. Platt. When it was announced this year that all disease had finally been wiped out except for Hairspringer’s, Dr. Ann Yam, chief technology officer and coffee buyer at the Starbucks Medical Center, told this paper, “Today is a glorious new beginning for humanity, but unfortunately, not for Mr. Platt.”

The day after Mr. Platt’s diagnosis, a Hairspringer’s vaccine was perfected. Platt’s wife of eighty-seven years, Missy, was with her husband when he heard the news that no one would ever again have to suffer from this deadly adenovirus, or in fact have to suffer for any other reason. “I remember his eyes welling up with tears,” she said. “He looked at me and asked, ‘Why me? Why not Bernie Shenk?’”

Hairspringer’s condition was named, inexplicably, for a German metallurgist who never had the disease, or knew anyone who did.

In addition to his wife, Desmond Platt is survived by everybody else. Missy Platt will be receiving visitors this Thursday from 8:00 to 10:00 pm. The sole benefactor of the last life insurance policy payout, she enjoys theater, long walks on the beach, and sunsets. &